“If I loved you, time and again I would try to say all I’d want you to know
If I loved you, words wouldn’t come in an easy way.
Round in circles I’d go…
Longing to tell you but afraid and shy
I’d let my golden chances pass me by…”
I never knew of this song until I heard Pam sing it in the shower the night of the first time we made love. It had a beautiful melody although the lyrics were a bit sad. She said it was from the Broadway musical Carousel. Never saw nor planned to see any musicale. I was never interested.
I wasn’t sure then if she was singing to tell me that she loved me, or if she was just plain singing. I believed the latter more because I didn’t think she could love me. At least, not yet. We hadn’t really spent that much time together for us both to have the necessary buildup to a serious romantic relationship. I myself was doubtful I felt anything deeper than affection and fondness for her.
I should have known. With love, time was irrelevant. It was either there or it wasn’t. I should have listened to her, to my heart. Should have given her enough encouragement to tell me to my face. I should have responded too. But well… It’s too late for that now.
I first met Pam the summer before I was due to spend my last year at the Philippine Military Academy. She was the friend of a mistah’s girlfriend and she joined us one time we all went out for dinner and drinks. Of course, she and I paired together as the other two seemed to forget our existence as soon as they saw each other. Pam and I had started to look desperate and envious with our two friends groping each other every chance they got.
“Kung alam ko lang, sana humiwalay na kami ng lakad ni Pam,” I joked.
My mistah threw me a mischievous look. “Why don’t you?”
“Oo nga,” Mari, his girl, added.
“Para kang ungek,” Pam shot back, a hint of color on her cheeks.
I just laughed and kept silent after that, afraid that If I said anything, I might send the wrong signal and be misinterpreted. I had already gotten into trouble more times than I cared to get into in that aspect. And none of those was ever easy. Not for me. Definitely not for the girl in question.
Not that Pam was not attractive that I wouldn’t entertain thoughts of a serious (or at least, an almost serious) pairing with her. She was lovely. Stunning. With dark, almond-shaped eyes fringed with long curly lashes. Her smile reminded me of sunrise and the dawn, bright and warm and full of promise. She wasn’t drop dead hot but I was never one for hot supermodel bods. I preferred girls with a little flesh and fat for me to grab at. As the night wore on, I found her to be an exciting and kind person as well. Really intelligent, too.
Her smile reminded me of sunrise and the dawn, bright and warm and full of promise. She wasn’t drop dead hot but I was never one for hot supermodel bods. I preferred girls with a little flesh and fat for me to grab at. As the night wore on, I found her to be an exciting and kind person as well. Really intelligent, too.
All in all, I could say Pam was thoroughly a gorgeous babe. I was a lucky S.O.B. to have known her.
We kept in touch when I went back to the academy, exchanging texts and calls as much as we could. We saw each other whenever I was out for a weekend leave. Or she came up to bring me foodstuff she knew I liked but could not get while in campus. I enjoyed her company so much, I asked her to be my date for the Graduation Ball as well as for the Ring Hop although it was my mom to whom I gave the miniature of my bull ring.
My batchmates and I were on our short break before deployment and we’d been out partying when I first attempted to kiss her. I don’t know what made me do it. Maybe it was because her eyes, when she raised them to look at me, were heavily lidded from all the wine I made her drink and she looked so sexy and desirable. Or maybe because I had been wanting to kiss her since I first laid my eyes on her.
Her lips were warm and tasted of honey liquor that I felt drunk on her sweetness. She was so soft and responsive in my arms that I found myself wanting more of her. Wanting more memories of us to keep me sane while I fought insurgents and the impending (yet hopefully avoidable) loss of my sanity in the battlefield.
And she gave me what I wanted. She gave me what I needed: a woman I could trust to hold my heart and humanity and cherish them like I meant everything to her. I cuddled her all night, comforting her from the pain of her first lovemaking. Or maybe it was I who needed comfort.
I don’t know. I would never know.
“Soon you’d leave me. Off you would go in the mist of day …”
She more than told me how sad she would feel when I left. She made me feel it in the way she clung to me. In the way she let me take her again and again until we were all but spent. Her longing ate at my gut like acid. I did not want to be cruel and tell her of things that would make her miss me more. I would rather deal with those on my own.
“Now I’d lost you. Soon I would go in the mist of day..”
I saw a ray of light from the corner of my eye. It was the kind of light that was more warm to the sight than to the touch. It beckoned to me. I had every reason to follow it but just one very important one to ignore it.
I wanted to stay behind for her. I needed to stay to tell her.
“And you never will know how I loved you…”
Oh, how I loved her. She never knew. I never told her.